i switched.

i switched over today. maybe one day i'll even get a real domain.
ridewithin.wordpress.com

after midnight i think like this.

I'm outside right now relishing the warm weather and looking at the stars. They feel like old friends. I remember in Arizona sitting on the roof of our house, or driving to the desert, or camping on a mountain. The stars would blanket the sky and the more you stared into the sky which seemed to curve above you more and more stars would appear almost making it impossible to make out the major constellations. I sat on Mt Graham once at Geronimo Hot springs. It was a place where Geronimo would take his men to recover after a long scouting trip or a battle of some kind. It was probably exactly the same time of the year as now but 8 years ago or so. I sat with my hand in a hot steam of water meditating and praying for inner guidance. I peered out into the mysterious universe. I heard, "you have been wandering from planet to planet for so many lifetimes, fighting for this cause and that cause. Why don't you dedicate this one life to Me?" The Great Mystery had spoken. I really contemplated the Lords message and agreed to his direction. There is more to the story but you may think I am crazier than you already do if I explain further.

I stayed in Athens this weekend rather than returning to New Vrindaban. Our Yoga studio opens Monday and I start teaching at the studio on Tuesday. We had our final wrap up meeting today working out all the business details, paying the bills, and scheduling. During the meeting I had the chance to actually look at my schedule of events for this month. It's packed! Tuesday through Friday we are busy morning to night. The weekends are open for travel, New Vrindaban, continuing education and catching up. I feel very fortunate to be serving all day everyday. I always wanted to live a life where my work is what brings joy and inner fulfillment. I can honestly say that right now I see how that has been arranged. There is much work to be done, especially on myself. A number of weeks back I spoke with Acharyadeva about life and he told me to perform the Bhakti Check, a series of personal questions....

The Bhakti check:
Do I really want to do this service as an offering for Srila Prabhupada?
Do I feel Krishna’s presence in my life?
Am I reasonably attached to Krsna? Are my materialistic desires increasing?

Adjust. Make small adjustments to find balance.

I think i answered no no no yes. ouch. now i think i am answering, yes yes no yes. All of them I am working on. What I am appreciating most is that I have been gifted with a steady service to be able to notice and work on these points. On Tuesday we celebrate our 5th year anniversary of New Vrindaban College outreach. Just after we started my Gurumaharaja stopped me in the hallway behind the pujari room in New V and embraced me saying, "this is such a wonderful service. It is the best service you can do for the mission of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu." Hearing this I just put it in my head that i should try to stick with this and try my best. We have made unlimited mistakes and still do but steadiness is allowing us to make natural progress. The analogy is like the water dripping on a rock. Outreach and everything which is involved with it is like water which is dripping on my wicked heart.

if a gun could kill winter....

I don't like saying the word gun anymore. In yoga class today I told the students to interlace their fingers above their heads and leave their index fingers pointed upward. I was about to explain that they can imagine they are holding a gun in their hands shooting upwards. I didn't use this visualization but I did take note of my hesitation to reference a gun for any purpose. When I saw this photo of me walking with this facemask on I reminisced of my former desires to be a follower of Sub Comadante Marcos in Chiapas. I used to imagine myself dedicated to a vision of social change and armed with sub machine guns and bullets draped across my chest. In Highschool my friends started carrying guns after they got bored of beating each other up with fists, box cutters, mace and tazers. In Arizona you are allowed to carry concealed weapons. When I was in college I was going to start carrying a gun in my back pack to protect myself when I was out in the streets doing graffiti. One time I was in Las Vegas at a party sitting on a couch. My friend started a big fight with the main group of people who's party it was. A few friends ran inside and grabbed me assuring me it was time to go. We ran to our car with a number of people chasing us. We jumped into the car just as someone began to shoot at our vehicle multiple times with a hand gun. Just before I moved into the ashram in Arizona I went on a hike with one senior devotee on Mt Lemon. We had a wonderful day of hiking through dry river beds and reaching the top of the mountain. We were immersed in chanting japa and I asked many questions about living a saintly devoted life to Krsna. I was so happy to be in the company of such a senior personality who was obviously very advanced. We finally returned to the vehicle we drove. I sat in the passenger seat and as this devotee took off his water pack and jacket he also removed a gun from underneath his tshirt and put it in the glove compartment. I blinked for a second and did not believe my eyes. I was definitely confused for some time.

Admit Something.

Hafiz
WITH THAT MOON LANGUAGE

Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them, “Love me.”

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise
someone would call the cops.

Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a
full moon in each eye that is
always saying,

with that sweet moon language,
what every other eye in
this world is
dying to
hear?

mondays are filled with unique experiences.

I don't know if my ear hurts right now from talking on the cell phone so much this evening or from the painful crunching sound of the deer smashing into the car that I haven't really processed yet.

Mondays are just not my days I guess. Each of my past three Mondays have been marked with dangerous experiences. February 11th I drove alone to Southern West Virginia for a lecture at a University. On my way home my car spun out of control. First it started swerving to the left then to the right then to the left then it just hit ice again and
started spinning out of control. I closed my eyes and remembered my dear Lord Govinda. The car got spun 270 degrees and got stuck on the edge of a ten foot embankment. It was a total blizzard. I got out of the car and some one got out of their car running towards me asking if I was ok and said they were calling a wrecker. I was really confused not understanding the term wrecker. It is the Appalachia term for Tow Truck. Not wanting to pay the 50 bucks for a tow I waved down a large truck and asked him to pull me out. With out much hesitation he took out his tow strap and easily pulled me off the embankment. A police officer who was present gave me a panthlet inviting me to his church if I was ever around town again. He said everyone needs Jesus in their life. I asked the man who pulled me out for his contact info so I could send him a thank you card but he stopped half way through writing his address and said, "you know what, just do something nice for someone else some day." I drove the rest of the way to Athens in great anxiety about slipping on the ice again. I made it home safely but in about three times as long as it normally would have.

On February 18 I drove from Athens to Columbus. The weather was great all day long. I stoppped into the Accra African market to buy plantains. palm nut cream and fufu for our African lunch later in the week. I then went to the temple for Darshan where I ended up doing kirtan and speaking for half an hour to a weekly meeting of new devotees about Bhagavad Gita and Lord Nityananda. When I left the temple at 7:30pm four inches of snow had covered everything and it was still snowing. Out of nowhere a blizard hit! I drove over to Mother Kamagiri's home to see the family and have dinner. We talked for about two hours and I had to hit the road. It was horrible! Because the storm hit so late and unexpectedly the snow just packed down and turned to ice. There were no snow plows out. Literally every hundred feet there were cars off the road. We were driving about 20 miles per hour. I had another 70 miles to drive at night, after a huge gluten feast, and in a blizzard. The weather got worse and worse so I pulled over into a shopping center and read for about an hour hoping the storm would stop. It was about 11 pm so I decided to sleep some. I woke up to the sensation in my toes of frost bite. I got back on the road and drove the rest of the way home where i made it in bed by 1:30am.

Today I stayed at New V until all the festivities were over. After the huge paneer subji had entered my body I needed to rest for about two hours. Around 4:30 I packed up the car and jumped in. Chris and Devanada Pandit Prabhus were wishing me off when I started the car and removed the emergency break. It was then that we heard a huge SNAP!I tried to back up but the car would not move an inch. The rear wheels locked up. No mechanics were around so Devananda Pandit Prabhu and I jacked up the car to see what we could find out even though both of us knew nothing about cars. Chris Prabhu chanted next to us for spiritual support. We had to removed each wheel and then bang on the break drums to loosen the brake pads from the drum. We think that the freezing weather kept them locked. Maybe the emergency cable broke too. We now know that I need new break pads. So it worked and I got off to the road. I made it to Athens safely.

When I got to the house one of the high school boys who comes to our program was sleeping in the living room. I woke him up and asked him if everything was ok and if he needed a ride home. His mother called at that time to see if he was ok then we drove home. On our way to his house a deer jumped out on to the road. I was driving about 40 miles per hour. I cringed and slightly swerved. The deer smashed into the side of the car breaking the side view mirror. We stopped to look for the deer. We could not find it anywhere and there was no blood on the car. It was a very loud sound which instantly reminded me of a story a close friend was retelling a month back as he picked me up form the airport in Albany.

He was a bit reserved for some time when we were driving. After about an hour of talking he shared what was on his mind. He told me that just three hours previous he had remembered hitting and killing a woman when he was a teenager. He forgot about the whole incident that morning. After it had happened his father told him to forget all about it because he had taken care of everything. So he did that. He went on with his football playing and high school partying. He went through college, He worked for 20 years, had got married and had two kids. This day while sitting having breakfast with his father in law and wife, his father in law told him a recent headline. A woman took her two daughters out to a highway removed everyones clothes and walked out in front sick. He excused himself from breakfast table and went to another room where he laid on the floor in great pain. He felt like vomiting. He was bewildered why he felt so much pain. All the remembrances of his own experiences entered his memory after so many years. He was driving home one night when a woman jumped out onto the highway. He hit her and she flew into the windshield. He clearly remembers the striking sound of her bones crushing against the windshield. It was present again, the whole experience. The whole traumatizing experience which he was told to forget. That experience didn't disappear it was hidden deep within and some how it was time to come out.

This is very fun.

Krsna Prema Prada Sri Gaura Hari.

Lord Nityananda used to travel with me for three years or so. Now He and His brother Lord Chaitanya are residing in a little wooden box for various reasons. I miss them. Actually I miss everything about Krsna Consciousness. Oh Nitai! emana nirghrna more keba krpa kare, eka nityanada vinu jagat bhitare. Maybe I have a chance, if only I meant it.

Reflections Newsletter

I was spoken of in the recent Bhakti Tirtha Swami Reflections Newsletter. I don't know how to upload a pdf file to this blog so when I learn how Ill do it asap. If anyone out there knows how to do that let me know!

it's all love

this is a unique expression of love. if you have 6 minutes watch it...

the one two knock out punch.....

Tonight I was punched multiple times during a well planned performance. I deserved each and every hit. Actually the words which were spoken were like sharp arrows or precise missiles intelligently aimed at specific targets to weaken or dis-empower. A list was made of each and every thing which I hold dear in my life and systematically attacked revealing my duplicity and endeavors to feed the demons within. I am not a person who uses curse words but with all honesty I think I understood the inner purports of the four letter word and could use it to its full potential. My mouth remained closed as per the instructions I received to simply listen for my own welfare and contemplate the subject matter for a few weeks before I react upon impulse and anger from the ego. Bravo Bravo! Well planned performance, voice and all! I was destroyed and confused. I am destroyed and confused. Bewildered by the tests which come at the most exact times. A doctor knows how to prescribe medicine for a patient and Krsna is the most expert. I bow at his ability to utilize others so dramatically in this divine play of purification. I am thankful that I am surrounded by many Vaisnavas who quickly brought me back to emotional balance with their embraces and gentle encouraging words. While hearing I remembered this poem,

Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Love them anyway,
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Do good anyway. The good you do will be forgotten tomorrow; Do good anyway. Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight; Build anyway. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth; Give the best you’ve got anyway.

On the walls of Shishu Bhavan,
Mother Teresa’s home in Calcutta

sunny days but stick in a terminal.

This is Mother Rukmini and VBD gazing upon Sri Sri Gaura Nitai.

In Charlotte North Carolina now. Its wonderful to see sunny skys and distant horizons. I reminice of old times in Arizona. This time of the year is so wonderful out there. Maybe one day I can visit and spend some time out doors.

VBD, Krishangi and I stayed up til 1am talking as usual and woke up at 4 am to catch my morning flight out of Newark. Somehow we made it.

On the plane out of Newark I chanted a bit, slept some and listened to a lecture. I met up with my old friend Rikin at 2nd ave on Friday and he let me have about ten Bhutabhavan Prabhu lectures off his jump drive. Bhutabhavan Prabhu is an amazing speaker and sincere practitioner of Krsna Consciousness. On the plane ride I was listening and taking notes on his Lateral thinking seminar given in New York a few weeks ago. Im really connecting with his realizations about, and approach to, inspiring devotees to extend themselves to serve others. If you ever have a chance to hear him speak at anytime please take advantage of the opportunity. Better than that, invite him out to your area to ensure his association in your life.

Ill land in Columbus at lunch time and be picked up by Jason who just returned from a wonderful 1 month bicycle tour from San Francisco to Phoenix. We'll do some shopping for Vegan Cooking Workshop, pick up some things I left in the city and then drive down to Athens. This week is going to be wonderful in Athens. Jason, Chase and Chaitanya will all be there! I am so fortunate to have such great association after so many weeks of being away.

om gam ganapataye namaha

The past few days have been filled with Ganeshji's mercy! Just before I left Kripalu my roommate left me a gift and a card. In the package was a small deity of Ganesha. I was so happy to have him appear in my life at this time. Today I was in NYc at Ashtanga New York and made arrangements to study there during our spring break in March. Ganeshji runs the place! I can't wait to be there and start my Ashtanga practice. So New Yorkers keep a look out I'll be around in March. Oh yeah I don't know if this is bonafide or not but I keep Ganesha in my bead bag and rub his belly.

Om parvati pataye
Hara hara hara mahadev
Gajananam buta
Ganadi sevatam
Kapitha jambu
Phalacharu bhakshanam
Umasutam shoka
Vinasha karakam
Namami vigneshvara
Pada pankajam

O elephant-faced God, Ganesha,
you are served by the attendants of Shiva
and you eat forest apples and blackberries.
You are Uma's son, the destroyer of sorrows.
I bow to the lotus feet of the remover of obstacles.

been tired since i joined iskcon

It's almost midnight. I haven't chanted all my rounds today and I won't. I just can't do it. Energetically and mentally I'm a bit thrown off.

My 200 hour Kripalu Yoga Teacher Training officially ended today. I'm a certified Yoga teacher now. It was a lot of work. I woke up everyday at 4:30am and slept at 11pm. I was sleep deprived, and worked all the sheaths of myself tired. Asanas and pranayama, asanas and pranayam, asanas and pranayam, asanas and pranayam all damn day! It was wonderful, I learned so much about myself and about others. I learned to teach!

I went to various extremes and experienced yoga in all new ways. It was true experiential education. My favorite. The third level of intelligence. I just received an email that said a friend of mine just signed the lease on a new yoga studio in Athens. I'm signing up for slots. Lets see what happens with this new approach of teaching.

Im at Dereks house now and tommorrow Ill catch a train to the city(nyc) to meet up with the family there. Rukmini Mataji is sharing her realizations at 2nd avenue so it will be a great blessing to be there. Plus Ill see all the boys from the Sanctuary and the rest of the family. From there Ill head over to Jersey to meet the Pandava sena and Sunday meet with Micheal and Monday fly off to Columbus to pick up Jason and head to Athens! That's if I make it to my 6 am flight.

I got invited back to Kripalu as a yoga teacher intern if that can fit into my life sometime. I met so many wonderful teachers and peers. Just this one experience has opened up many doors for future service with many new contacts. Right now I just can't wait to get back to my normal schedule at the college. I miss them kids! Maybe soon I might even make it back to New Vrindaban and lay down at the feet of Sri Sri Vrindaban Chandra and the Vaishnavas.

living in a cocoon

I've been Reflecting upon my life for the last 8 years living in the ashram and being guided by my Gurumaharaja. Today I read this wonderful quote which gave me a little more insight into the relationship I have with him and our organization's purpose.

“If you clip a cocoon to help a butterfly emerge, you will cripple the butterfly. Pushing against the interior of the cocoon is an essential, organismic struggle that brings fluids into the spiny tubules that will eventually harden into wings. Without this resistance and great effort, the wings will not develop and the butterfly will not fly. Likewise, if you meet a child with nonjudgemental support at the edge of his or her struggle, that child will break through challenges into the next developmental stage in his or her own time and own unique way. Every individual longs for a cocoon of safety, for loving support and encouragement to break through the discomforts of learning in order to discover his or her unique and personal vision of the self and to realize fulfillment as an individual.”
-Don Stapleton, Self Awakening Yoga



This is what I look like in my yoga cocoon.

don't break the ice

On an other BMX note, did you ever see that movie “RAD”? Well I’ve watched it thousands of times and there is that song at the beginning “Don’t break the Ice”. It has taken 15 years to experience the importance of that song. A few days ago I walked across a two mile lake! Back and forth! It was the scariest thing I have ever done.

What happened was I was out on a walk trying to get out of the giant building and connect with nature. I made it to the lake and saw that it was frozen solid. Im from Arizona originally so frozen things are of great interest to me. One time a friend and I walked across one of the ponds at New Vrindaban.

Here I went out on the ice and I met Brenda from my yoga class. She is very quiet woman who I haven’t spoken to much. I dared her to walk across the lake. So we both decided to take the challenge. It took an hour or more. We walked in great fear light footed and shallow breathed. Do you know that sound in those sci fi films of unseen life forms woowoomp woowoomp woowoomp? After some time we realized that it was the sound of air being released from cracks in the ice.



We wanted to turn around every few minutes but felt so much excitement meeting our fears. It was so much fun. We reverted back to our child inside. One time I dared Brenda to jump on a big crack on the ice and she did. Nothing happened until I stepped forward and we heard the sound of cracking ice. We both screamed and started walking faster and softer towards the shore. The sun peeked through the clouds and the ice started cracking more and more as we walked and the woowoomp sounds became louder and more frequent. After a half hour of great terror we made it to the shore where we were greeted with dark chocolates and hugs from other members of our class.

Smoker Dave

My old friend Dave Schilling called me yesterday with the best of news. One year ago He was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Everyone was struck with amazement. We all thought he would get lung cancer! His nick name was Smoker Dave. We were all affected in various ways. For me it allowed us to reconnect after a long period of separation. He was really going off in the wrong track. It was truly a blessing now that we reflect on the past year and all the transformation he has gone through. What seemed like a curse was actually a great blessing. Oh Yeah he called me in great joy. After intensive chemo and many life changes mentally and physically there is not any trace of cancer in his entire body! Amazing, simply amazing.

Check out a video part of his:
http://www.vitalbmx.com/video/displayimage.php?pos=-313

fasting til death.

Yesterday in the depression of my sickness I spoke with my close friend William(picture above). He was revealing the glories of his recent fasting. I took it as a message from God. I remember Gauranga Kishore Prabhu explaining sickness to me many years ago. I often forget its purpose. My body is talking to me, What is it saying? So I fasted the yesterday and today. For bfast I drank maple lemon drink and now I just burped out the last drink of my Trilogy Kombucha. I feel much better today but still need recovery time.

Tomorrow is my last practice teach before my certification. Im nervous and need to do a long head stand to relax a bit. I got a new roommate last night. I was chatting with my psychotherapist til 11:30pm and went back to the room thinking I would be creeping in on my new roommate. Amazingly he was not there. I turned on my night light and read Bhagavad Gita until he came in. He arrived after a few paragraphs and we chatted til 12:30am. Just like last time I was here I got teamed up with the perfect roommate. He is a very mature man who owns a yoga studio near by and teaches iyengar, vinyasa and astanga. He is very interested in the spiritual side of yoga now and we connected very well.

Got to go now!

when you eat whats available.

Last night I slept horribly. I felt like I had poison in my stomach. Those that know me know that I don't sleep much(meaning I always sleep horribly) so when I say I slept bad it really means something. I've always had stomach problems my whole life. Lots of stress and thats where I hold all of it. I guess all the stress of being here, all the physical asana, all the pranayam, my over endeavor, not eating right etc culminates in a night of absolute pain and agony. Luckily my roommate left Kripalu for the night so he didn't get disturbed by my rolling around. I woke up at 2am vomited, showered then read and chanted for a bit in one of the yoga rooms. I prefer this one yoga room over the others because its clean and it has wood floors. Around 4 am I slept on my yoga mat in that room til 5am where I returned to my room and slept for another hour before getting up for morning asana practice. Its a hard day when I don't chant atleast half of my rounds in the morning. Ill chant at lunch in the basement if I can get my mind into it.

My solace this morning was the warm Kichiri. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.

Oh yeah, I miss the cows too.

Conversations with God

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with my friend Oren. He is taking the massage therapy course here at Kripalu. We met randomly the other day and have since kept up our conversations about God. He has been intensely studying his birth religion over the last two years, something which I have great respect for. In our conversation and sharing of quotes about Teachers he pulled out a book he has been reading over the past month called "Conversations with God'. He read the following passage:

A true master is not the one with the most students, but one who creates the most masters.

A true leader is not the one with the most followers but the one who creates the most leaders.

A true king is not the one with the most subjects but the one who leads the most to royalty.

A true teacher is not the one with the most knowledge but one who causes the most others to have knowledge.

And the true God is not the One with the most servants but the One who serves the most, thereby making Gods of all others.

For this is both the goal and the glory of God: that His subjects shall be no more, and that all shall know God not as the unattainable, but as the unavoidable.

e-support.

Here are some recent emails sent in response to recent posts.
Thank you all for sending your love.

1.
Dear Balaram Chandra,

Haribol, I just read this letter over and it's a bit intense. So brace yourself.

I was reading your blog from January 1st, and I feel such a bittersweet resonance with what you were going through - especially with the deities. Ever since I took the Japa Retreat seminar, I have felt a deep void and loss of faith that Krishna is really there. I feel as though I call out and call out and nothing's there. But I haven't spoken with very many - if ANYone - about this because I feel as though s/he will not understand. And (deep breath) I feel a loss of faith in guru that he can really help me when I'm going through such hurdles of faith - personally, eye-to-eye. I think that's the worst part.

Sigh, I wanted to write to you because your post soothed me. It let me know that others go through what I'm going through... and that Srila Prabhupad still encourages those who are stumbling and committing so many offense like I have been.

I hope you're doing well and that you continue to write,

2.
think what you're doing is incredibly amazing and inspiring. I thing ISKCON is an amazing organization. I remember there was an article printed back when we were in high school about Krishna Consciousness in Spin magazine (I think) and I remember thinking what an amazing thing to be a part of. I wish that I had gotten a chance to know you better in high school, but I myself was unstable, struggling to find a place to live, and didn't really want anyone to know what I was going through. I guess I was afraid of the possible rejection or humiliation from my peers. I basically kept to myself and tried to stay as invisible as possible. I don't think I ever really discussed my living situation with anyone at school, but I probably should have. I don't even know if you remember who I am, but I felt inclined to drop you a comment and let you know that what you are doing is incredibly inspiring.

3.
Balarama Chandra Prahuji, You are a true inspiration to me, as I have recently fallen down, seriously broken the principals I have no devotee association. We did meet breifly at your stay at Bhaktivedanta manor,but you probably don`t remember my fallen self. Keep posting as your everything I could wish to be, a simple and honest surrendered soul.

4.
Thank you Prabhu
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're such a solid, wise example for this bumbling fool who is trying to follow in so many footsteps.

See ya in a few! I'm ready for the Yoga Crew!

above water still.

Beleive it or not Im still above water!

Its really amazing how sometimes I can be totally beat up and torn to pieces. Then out of no where I am being bombarded with love and affection!

The past week has been another one of those weeks where I've been crying out of astonishment in reflection on the Lords blessings. I'm not quite the South Indian Brahmana pouring tears into the Bhgavad Gita. You know that story of Lord Chaitanya meting him and asking about his tears. He reveals that he is filled with emotion while thinking of Krsna's loving position as the charioteer driver of Arjuna. I'm not quite like that but some real feelings are there.



This present Kripalu trip is facilitating more emotional release than expected. I am so grateful. I am in awe of the potential of asana practice.

eat pray love (i like the book too)

A friend told me the other day that the path of bhakti is not hard and fast but is soft and slow.

Im off to Kripalu again. Two weeks of another Yoga Intensive. This time I will return with my official certification.

After a most wonderful Starving Artist Lunch Program I threw my bags into the civic and sped up to Columbus to meet a close friend for catching up. I was overwhelmed with emotions hearing from and seeing such a beloved friend being pushed around in life. All I wanted to do was embrace her and tell her that I could take care of everything for her. A similar thing happened with my blood brother the other day also with a close friend who’s mother just got cancer. I wish it was so easy. That I could possess the ability to instantly care for and maintain others lives. This I know is impossible.

One day I met my Gurumaharaja in his room at New Vrindaban. He had just arrived from India and I was busy and did not get to greet him upon his arrival. He was sitting behind his little desk with his glasses on and just his desk lamp lighting his space. He was reading a old beat up edition of Krsna Book. After knocking, He invited me into his room. I bowed down and he called me over to him. He embraced me in his most comforting way. With his arm loving wrapped around my head he looked into my eyes and asked how I was. I didn’t answer. He could see that I was not in the best of spirits. He said to me, “ Balaramacandra, everyone is suffering in this world. It is our duty to inspire others to be enthusiastic in their suffering.”

After that emotion meeting with my friend I headed to the Columbus center to find a place to do laundry, sleep, park my car, and get a ride to the airport. I could have stayed with that student but that could only lead to trouble.

Immediately upon entering the temple I met Venkat Prabhu who was visiting from New York. We picked up Carl Prabhu at his house and went over to Naveen, Vrajbhakti, and Narahari’s house for ekadasi dinner. I ended up staying at their home that night. We were up to midnight catching up after so many months of not seeing each other. The next day I was over fed idly, sambar and chutney and dropped off at the airport.

A Kripalu class mate, Scott, picked me up in Albany and took me back to his house. The ride was wonderful. We shared so many stories about the past six week break between our yoga teaching intensives. I can’t believe six weeks have passed already! We did a little shopping at the grocery store and cooked up a wonderful dinner for the kids and wife. Playing with the kids reminded me of the past summer with my Gurumaharaja. I was the default child care person or beat up doll whenever disciples had to meet with Maharaja.

I am at Scott and Bridgette's house now and will head to Kripalu after my weekly conference call. We’ll make it there by 4 for yoga, check in, and dinner. Our first session starts at 7. Who knows what is going to happen in the next two weeks. I have my laptop with me this time so Ill stay on the blog.

Thanks to everyone who have been writing and calling letting me know that i should keep writing. I truly appreciate your love.

two weeks away...

I was a bit saddened about having to miss the next two weeks of our college quarter. Our first two weeks were met with so much enthusiasm from the students. Each program had so much participation, much more than I expected. I love being with the students and sharing with each other our experiences of life.

My Gurumaharaj told me to just stay committed and steady. To do that would now be my challenge and that dedication would allow me to learn and progress in my service. That is a difficult thing to do. I often want to quit and roam the world allowing the winds(of my mind) to guide me. Somehow or another I “keep on keeping on”.

I have a problem, well I have many problems but one is I have a problem of dedication and appreciation. I never learned to see how others appreciate who I am or how others are so willing to care for me. We identified this problem many years ago and decided that staying at New Vrindaban and sticking to college outreach despite all hardships would be good for me. Maybe I might learn something.

While growing up, nothing was regular, nothing was steady, and no one was committed to caring for me. I never felt that any thing was worth my time because it was going to change. I never felt anyone actually cared for me because in due course they would leave. I meet problems in my relationships again and again due to this.

I was homeless for awhile in high school and just roamed around from school, to work, and to friends homes on my bicycle. I stayed wherever I could. Usually most friend's parents were equally or more out of it than we were so I could just slide in and out unnoticed.

A few weeks into my senior year I was at our local park with friends and my residential situation became a topic of discussion. Various friends felt that they should figure this out for me. Many stepped up and invited me to stay at there home if their parents approved. One friend named Tara Zandler(who was actually not that close at the time) said she was going to ask her parents. The next day she enthusiastically approached me at school and said her parents were willing to meet me and if they liked me they would let me stay with them under certain rules etc.

I went to their home that same afternoon to meet and we spoke for some time. After our meeting they agreed to let me stay with them. I was amazed that someone would be so willing to reach out to do something like that, especially without even knowing me! I became one of the family, well kind of. There were many stories that went with that experience over the next year before I graduated and went off to college. If you want I can tell you later. The family themselves were unbelievable. They really acted as God’s caretakers of His lost child.

Now that I reflect, I see that from that time until now so many individuals who were not “related” to me in any way have been caring for and guiding me. Over the past years of my life in ISKCON I can honestly say that I am always cared for. I am maintained physically, emotionally, and spiritually by those within this family of Srila Prabhupada. Others are always willing to love, it is up to me to accept and appreciate their love.

One day I was selling books in St Louis Missouri and we met with HG Maha Muni Prabhu. He told us a realization he had. He quoted the move “Breakfast Club”. I appreciated his ability to connect a life lesson with a movie I watched so many times growing up. He asked if I remembered the scene where the “prom queen” and the “goth girl” were stoned and in the restroom brushing each others hair. The “goth girl” looked up at the “prom queen” and stated, “ I didn’t know you could be so nice!” The prom queen responded, “You never gave me an opportunity to be nice to you.”

With our college outreach we are just trying to share what we are receiving. We are attempting to facilitate the growth of an environment where students can allow us the to share our family’s love with them. We experience college outreach to be “creating a favorable environment where students can associate with that love of Srila Prabhupada.” I pray that we can be used to do that in the smallest way.

More Humble Than a Blade of Grass

Hare Krishna. These are two wonderful photos of His Grace Vaishesika Prabhu. He is inspiring the whole world with his unbounded enthusiasm. I am sure there are a few of you out there who will be glad to have them. I know I am always filled with joy upon seeing his loving face. I am also inspired to leave this computer and finish my rounds.

Midnight in a Perfect World.

Midnight? the year is just beginning.

Vegan Cooking Workshop #1 2008

Today was quite wonderful. I woke up and chanted japa with Sri Kishore Prabhu. JC came over for our first one on one yoga session of the year. I taught him pranayama and a moon series to add to his surya which he practiced last semester. Today we had lots of fun sustaining various asanas. This was new to him but I was comforted having someone to suffer with me. Yoga is definitely a love hate relationship.

After dropping him off at school I went on another prayer walk through campus. I sat for some time noticing the thousands of faces which I do not know. The thousands of souls who have not had a chance to hear about Krishna. I think this quarter I am going to start setting up a book table on campus. One week Ill do Wednesday and one week Ill do Thursdays. I miss book distribution!

After my walk I returned home and caught up on some email. Then I prepared an individual vegan pizza for lunch which made me fall a sleep for a good hour. After my slumber and a cold shower I headed out to town for some shopping. Its great going to the same store on the same days of the week year after year. I now know many of the employees at each store and have great conversations with each of them. Im trying to inspire all the high school grocery bag kids to start coming to our programs. They said they are into it but they have to ask their parents for permission.

I was planning to cook for only 60 people. On face book, only 30 confirmed so I didn't think it would turn out so great. I was wrong. I arrived at our location at 6:30 and already students started arriving to help out. Students just kept coming and coming. We prepared whole wheat pasta, sesame bread sticks, organic salad, dressings, pasta sauce, primavera vegetables, carob cake, and rasberry lemonande. There was so much help, that when i finally stepped up on my soap box for announcements it was exactly 8 pm! I couldn't believe it. We cooked the compete meal from scratch in one hour exactly! There were so many hands helping out.

Over a 100 students attended. I thought only 30-50 would come. It was our first one of the quarter and I didn't send any invites until the night before. No advertising. Simply Krishna. This is definitely a sign that this year is going to big huge. I have to brainstorm, how are we going to facilitate so many people in cooking?

By ten everything was cleaned up and I returned to the center to meet Ananda Vidya Prabhu. Krishna really blessed me by his association. Ananda Vidya Prabhu is my big borther. He has always watched out for me and encourages me in our activities.

The rest of the week looks busy. Please pray for us.

Today I slept in until 8:30am. It felt great! Someone even commented to me later in the day in a small yoga session that my eyes weren't red, my face didn't look tired and overall I looked well rested. As Doctor Bronner say's, "the only two cosmetics you need are; enough rest and Dr. Bronners Magical soap!"

Then I listened to a lecture of Maharaja and he chastised me. I tried to justify it by something he had told me some time ago, "if you ever have to drive somewhere more than an hour you need to sleep at least seven hours." My realization is that it is true good rest allows you to drive safely. But, even then you still get tired if you are not a Starbucks customer.

In that lecture Maharaja was asked about over endeavoring. He said over endeavoring is when you take on so much service that you can not perform the basic instructions of chanting 16 rounds, sleeping well, attending Mangala Arati and hearing Srimad Bhagavatam. Ouch he got me. I am over endeavoring.

I did a bit of yoga, packed my bags, sought blessings of the Vaishnavas, Srila Prabhupada and Sri Sri Radha Vrindaban Chandra then hit the road. I stopped to fill the ole 152,000 mile Honda Civic up with fuel and proceeded to drive the next 120 mile to Athens Ohio. I remember the good ole days when it used to cost 12 dollars to fill her up, now its $38.

Somehow I made it to Athens. Two things assist me in driving long distances and not falling asleep.

1. Frito Lay Brand Sunflower seeds.
Ever since I was a little boy I have been addicted to them. If any of you ever played little league baseball you may have the same taste. I am sorry for those who have never been introduced to the pleasure of eating salted sunflower seeds and having to crack them open, eat the seed and spit out the shell. Often some declare my stupidity for not simply buying preshelled sunflower seeds. You lose all the fun when you do that! Plus there is no activity to keep you awake.

2. Cell Phone with a headset. Whenever I get tired i just start calling everyone I need to. If It is late at night, I just call devotees on the west coast because of the three hours time difference. They can talk on and on with no disturbance if they are not at work. Today I spoke with a psychotherapist for an hour. They are great at listening so I could just talk and talk and talk!

When I arrived to Athens I immediately drove to a meeting at the United Campus Ministry center. There we discussed our Vegan Cooking Workshop using the space for the rest of the year. They were very supportive. I signed an agreement that we would pay $100 a month for access to the kitchen and dinning hall each Tuesday. I was given a key and left very happy. Having a steady and supportive place for one's outreach activities is a true blessing. I knew it would turn out positive because I found a parking meter with 2 hours of free parking when I arrived.

I went home to the Conscious Ohio Center to meet the great shock of the house being an amazing mess and my poor children were almost dead or dead(our house plants). Oh lord please bless them with eternal life.

Soon the other house mates arrived one by one and we finished up our cleaning. In the evening due to the most amazing weather I went for a prayer walk around campus. A prayer walk is a very powerful activity. I was introduced to it via my Christian backround. Its concept is you go to those places which you are to perform or act or serve etc and pray intensely. You pray to the Lord for whatever you may need. For those of us who do outreach. There is only one prayer, "Please Lord make me a servant of your peace."

Please do not underestimate the power of true prayer. If I appreciate one thing most about my parents and family is they taught me to humbly pray to the Lord. Thank you mom! the second thing is Bob Marley.

This quarter I'll try to blog about our outreach activities so you all will know whats up and you can se that we are not totally in as they say "maya".

If someone asks you how you are doing what do you say?

I usually just say,"I'm doing great!" and then say something off topic.

I have a friend who answers that question with "I'm doing magnificent". He really means it. Thats why I love him. He can always see the blessings which the Lord is giving him daily. In his association I am forced to think positively.

I need association with like minded peers or at least with young people! AHHHHHH! I'm not a cave dweller. I like my personal time but I also need my people time and project time. I need action, movement. I am just counting the days until school starts again and the other boys come back home surcharged from their India trip. When I have too much time alone I can't seem to get anything done.

I feel like running, swimming, riding my bike, walking around, hugging cows, watching the sun reflect off the snow. (Snowboarding by myself is out of the question). It is just so cold my room seems like such a safe place that promotes such rejuvenating activities like bundling up and sleeping. Sometimes if I am on the transcendental tip there is reading and chanting.

Yesterday many people wrote me or called asking if I was ok. I guess my last couple of posts led others to believe that I was depressed etc. Their right. I am thankful that they care.

I wrote one friend and said that when I am at New Vrindaban I feel like I am in a hospital and my particular diagnosis is poison in the blood. (It's easy to see when you are around so many pure souls). For that there is only one old fashion solution of bloodletting. Blood letting is great because it quickly allows you to get rid of all of your old blood and forces you to create new blood. So New Vrindaban is the safe place(my home) where I can be frustrated, tired, faithless etc to the extent of not offending the devotees. I can go through the whole range of emotions and feel them out and take shelter. Then I can head back to work and serve fresh and rejuvenated with new energy and realization.

These are certain points on the body good for blood letting.


The following pictures are where I take shelter each day in New Vrindaban.
1. Prayer at Sri Sri Radha Vrindabancandra's lotus feet

2. Japa in the Brahmacari Ashram's renegade Tulasi garden

3. Cleaning my heart in service to Srimati Radharani's pots

4. Friendship with Gopal our new calf

New Vrindaban's life size Srila Prabhupada murti!

I don't know if it is a secret, but New Vrindaban has been blessed with a life size, free standing Srila Prabhupada murti. One devotee was surprised to see the new addition. Then he laughed and said, "It is only appropriate, New Vrindaban needs two Prabhupadas."

somedays...

"In the beginning there may be some failures. That is quite natural. Just as a child is trying to stand, he may fall down. But that does not mean he should give up the idea. Go on. A time will come when he will be perfect. A time will come when you'll be perfect, Krsna Conscious." SP Los Angeles, January 1, 1969

Some days are just harder than others. Especially if I am sleep deprived and don't eat well. Its amazing because most of my problems sprout because of these two things. Today I was directed to dress the Sri Nathji Gopal. I cant believe how frustrated I was. I wanted to walk out of the deity room and walk through the snow and just keep walking and walking and walking. If the deity is stone then we can do what ever we want to it. We can decorate the stone in anyway just for show just for the darshan of the public. If the deity is a person, if He is Krishna then there is no faking anything. We have to serve Him as a person. We have to reciprocate with the person Krsna. Anyways, I was totally disturbed by the whole morning. I feel as if I don't even know what happened, I wasn't there. At least I wish I wasn't. Even when I ditched the kirtan and the Sb class for my asana practice I couldn't relax. My mind was just screaming at me. I was trying to pray and set an intention but I couldn't, my mind was just loudly saying 'get your bag walk and start walking because you've lost'. I haven't gone anywhere because stuffing my face with fresh pineapple, raw carrot cake, reading the above quote form Srila Prabhupada, and listening to Shimshai(http://www.shimshai.com) made me relax a bit.