living in a cocoon

I've been Reflecting upon my life for the last 8 years living in the ashram and being guided by my Gurumaharaja. Today I read this wonderful quote which gave me a little more insight into the relationship I have with him and our organization's purpose.

“If you clip a cocoon to help a butterfly emerge, you will cripple the butterfly. Pushing against the interior of the cocoon is an essential, organismic struggle that brings fluids into the spiny tubules that will eventually harden into wings. Without this resistance and great effort, the wings will not develop and the butterfly will not fly. Likewise, if you meet a child with nonjudgemental support at the edge of his or her struggle, that child will break through challenges into the next developmental stage in his or her own time and own unique way. Every individual longs for a cocoon of safety, for loving support and encouragement to break through the discomforts of learning in order to discover his or her unique and personal vision of the self and to realize fulfillment as an individual.”
-Don Stapleton, Self Awakening Yoga



This is what I look like in my yoga cocoon.

don't break the ice

On an other BMX note, did you ever see that movie “RAD”? Well I’ve watched it thousands of times and there is that song at the beginning “Don’t break the Ice”. It has taken 15 years to experience the importance of that song. A few days ago I walked across a two mile lake! Back and forth! It was the scariest thing I have ever done.

What happened was I was out on a walk trying to get out of the giant building and connect with nature. I made it to the lake and saw that it was frozen solid. Im from Arizona originally so frozen things are of great interest to me. One time a friend and I walked across one of the ponds at New Vrindaban.

Here I went out on the ice and I met Brenda from my yoga class. She is very quiet woman who I haven’t spoken to much. I dared her to walk across the lake. So we both decided to take the challenge. It took an hour or more. We walked in great fear light footed and shallow breathed. Do you know that sound in those sci fi films of unseen life forms woowoomp woowoomp woowoomp? After some time we realized that it was the sound of air being released from cracks in the ice.



We wanted to turn around every few minutes but felt so much excitement meeting our fears. It was so much fun. We reverted back to our child inside. One time I dared Brenda to jump on a big crack on the ice and she did. Nothing happened until I stepped forward and we heard the sound of cracking ice. We both screamed and started walking faster and softer towards the shore. The sun peeked through the clouds and the ice started cracking more and more as we walked and the woowoomp sounds became louder and more frequent. After a half hour of great terror we made it to the shore where we were greeted with dark chocolates and hugs from other members of our class.

Smoker Dave

My old friend Dave Schilling called me yesterday with the best of news. One year ago He was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Everyone was struck with amazement. We all thought he would get lung cancer! His nick name was Smoker Dave. We were all affected in various ways. For me it allowed us to reconnect after a long period of separation. He was really going off in the wrong track. It was truly a blessing now that we reflect on the past year and all the transformation he has gone through. What seemed like a curse was actually a great blessing. Oh Yeah he called me in great joy. After intensive chemo and many life changes mentally and physically there is not any trace of cancer in his entire body! Amazing, simply amazing.

Check out a video part of his:
http://www.vitalbmx.com/video/displayimage.php?pos=-313

fasting til death.

Yesterday in the depression of my sickness I spoke with my close friend William(picture above). He was revealing the glories of his recent fasting. I took it as a message from God. I remember Gauranga Kishore Prabhu explaining sickness to me many years ago. I often forget its purpose. My body is talking to me, What is it saying? So I fasted the yesterday and today. For bfast I drank maple lemon drink and now I just burped out the last drink of my Trilogy Kombucha. I feel much better today but still need recovery time.

Tomorrow is my last practice teach before my certification. Im nervous and need to do a long head stand to relax a bit. I got a new roommate last night. I was chatting with my psychotherapist til 11:30pm and went back to the room thinking I would be creeping in on my new roommate. Amazingly he was not there. I turned on my night light and read Bhagavad Gita until he came in. He arrived after a few paragraphs and we chatted til 12:30am. Just like last time I was here I got teamed up with the perfect roommate. He is a very mature man who owns a yoga studio near by and teaches iyengar, vinyasa and astanga. He is very interested in the spiritual side of yoga now and we connected very well.

Got to go now!

when you eat whats available.

Last night I slept horribly. I felt like I had poison in my stomach. Those that know me know that I don't sleep much(meaning I always sleep horribly) so when I say I slept bad it really means something. I've always had stomach problems my whole life. Lots of stress and thats where I hold all of it. I guess all the stress of being here, all the physical asana, all the pranayam, my over endeavor, not eating right etc culminates in a night of absolute pain and agony. Luckily my roommate left Kripalu for the night so he didn't get disturbed by my rolling around. I woke up at 2am vomited, showered then read and chanted for a bit in one of the yoga rooms. I prefer this one yoga room over the others because its clean and it has wood floors. Around 4 am I slept on my yoga mat in that room til 5am where I returned to my room and slept for another hour before getting up for morning asana practice. Its a hard day when I don't chant atleast half of my rounds in the morning. Ill chant at lunch in the basement if I can get my mind into it.

My solace this morning was the warm Kichiri. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.

Oh yeah, I miss the cows too.

Conversations with God

Last night I had a wonderful conversation with my friend Oren. He is taking the massage therapy course here at Kripalu. We met randomly the other day and have since kept up our conversations about God. He has been intensely studying his birth religion over the last two years, something which I have great respect for. In our conversation and sharing of quotes about Teachers he pulled out a book he has been reading over the past month called "Conversations with God'. He read the following passage:

A true master is not the one with the most students, but one who creates the most masters.

A true leader is not the one with the most followers but the one who creates the most leaders.

A true king is not the one with the most subjects but the one who leads the most to royalty.

A true teacher is not the one with the most knowledge but one who causes the most others to have knowledge.

And the true God is not the One with the most servants but the One who serves the most, thereby making Gods of all others.

For this is both the goal and the glory of God: that His subjects shall be no more, and that all shall know God not as the unattainable, but as the unavoidable.

e-support.

Here are some recent emails sent in response to recent posts.
Thank you all for sending your love.

1.
Dear Balaram Chandra,

Haribol, I just read this letter over and it's a bit intense. So brace yourself.

I was reading your blog from January 1st, and I feel such a bittersweet resonance with what you were going through - especially with the deities. Ever since I took the Japa Retreat seminar, I have felt a deep void and loss of faith that Krishna is really there. I feel as though I call out and call out and nothing's there. But I haven't spoken with very many - if ANYone - about this because I feel as though s/he will not understand. And (deep breath) I feel a loss of faith in guru that he can really help me when I'm going through such hurdles of faith - personally, eye-to-eye. I think that's the worst part.

Sigh, I wanted to write to you because your post soothed me. It let me know that others go through what I'm going through... and that Srila Prabhupad still encourages those who are stumbling and committing so many offense like I have been.

I hope you're doing well and that you continue to write,

2.
think what you're doing is incredibly amazing and inspiring. I thing ISKCON is an amazing organization. I remember there was an article printed back when we were in high school about Krishna Consciousness in Spin magazine (I think) and I remember thinking what an amazing thing to be a part of. I wish that I had gotten a chance to know you better in high school, but I myself was unstable, struggling to find a place to live, and didn't really want anyone to know what I was going through. I guess I was afraid of the possible rejection or humiliation from my peers. I basically kept to myself and tried to stay as invisible as possible. I don't think I ever really discussed my living situation with anyone at school, but I probably should have. I don't even know if you remember who I am, but I felt inclined to drop you a comment and let you know that what you are doing is incredibly inspiring.

3.
Balarama Chandra Prahuji, You are a true inspiration to me, as I have recently fallen down, seriously broken the principals I have no devotee association. We did meet breifly at your stay at Bhaktivedanta manor,but you probably don`t remember my fallen self. Keep posting as your everything I could wish to be, a simple and honest surrendered soul.

4.
Thank you Prabhu
Thank you for the inspiration.
You're such a solid, wise example for this bumbling fool who is trying to follow in so many footsteps.

See ya in a few! I'm ready for the Yoga Crew!

above water still.

Beleive it or not Im still above water!

Its really amazing how sometimes I can be totally beat up and torn to pieces. Then out of no where I am being bombarded with love and affection!

The past week has been another one of those weeks where I've been crying out of astonishment in reflection on the Lords blessings. I'm not quite the South Indian Brahmana pouring tears into the Bhgavad Gita. You know that story of Lord Chaitanya meting him and asking about his tears. He reveals that he is filled with emotion while thinking of Krsna's loving position as the charioteer driver of Arjuna. I'm not quite like that but some real feelings are there.



This present Kripalu trip is facilitating more emotional release than expected. I am so grateful. I am in awe of the potential of asana practice.

eat pray love (i like the book too)

A friend told me the other day that the path of bhakti is not hard and fast but is soft and slow.

Im off to Kripalu again. Two weeks of another Yoga Intensive. This time I will return with my official certification.

After a most wonderful Starving Artist Lunch Program I threw my bags into the civic and sped up to Columbus to meet a close friend for catching up. I was overwhelmed with emotions hearing from and seeing such a beloved friend being pushed around in life. All I wanted to do was embrace her and tell her that I could take care of everything for her. A similar thing happened with my blood brother the other day also with a close friend who’s mother just got cancer. I wish it was so easy. That I could possess the ability to instantly care for and maintain others lives. This I know is impossible.

One day I met my Gurumaharaja in his room at New Vrindaban. He had just arrived from India and I was busy and did not get to greet him upon his arrival. He was sitting behind his little desk with his glasses on and just his desk lamp lighting his space. He was reading a old beat up edition of Krsna Book. After knocking, He invited me into his room. I bowed down and he called me over to him. He embraced me in his most comforting way. With his arm loving wrapped around my head he looked into my eyes and asked how I was. I didn’t answer. He could see that I was not in the best of spirits. He said to me, “ Balaramacandra, everyone is suffering in this world. It is our duty to inspire others to be enthusiastic in their suffering.”

After that emotion meeting with my friend I headed to the Columbus center to find a place to do laundry, sleep, park my car, and get a ride to the airport. I could have stayed with that student but that could only lead to trouble.

Immediately upon entering the temple I met Venkat Prabhu who was visiting from New York. We picked up Carl Prabhu at his house and went over to Naveen, Vrajbhakti, and Narahari’s house for ekadasi dinner. I ended up staying at their home that night. We were up to midnight catching up after so many months of not seeing each other. The next day I was over fed idly, sambar and chutney and dropped off at the airport.

A Kripalu class mate, Scott, picked me up in Albany and took me back to his house. The ride was wonderful. We shared so many stories about the past six week break between our yoga teaching intensives. I can’t believe six weeks have passed already! We did a little shopping at the grocery store and cooked up a wonderful dinner for the kids and wife. Playing with the kids reminded me of the past summer with my Gurumaharaja. I was the default child care person or beat up doll whenever disciples had to meet with Maharaja.

I am at Scott and Bridgette's house now and will head to Kripalu after my weekly conference call. We’ll make it there by 4 for yoga, check in, and dinner. Our first session starts at 7. Who knows what is going to happen in the next two weeks. I have my laptop with me this time so Ill stay on the blog.

Thanks to everyone who have been writing and calling letting me know that i should keep writing. I truly appreciate your love.

two weeks away...

I was a bit saddened about having to miss the next two weeks of our college quarter. Our first two weeks were met with so much enthusiasm from the students. Each program had so much participation, much more than I expected. I love being with the students and sharing with each other our experiences of life.

My Gurumaharaj told me to just stay committed and steady. To do that would now be my challenge and that dedication would allow me to learn and progress in my service. That is a difficult thing to do. I often want to quit and roam the world allowing the winds(of my mind) to guide me. Somehow or another I “keep on keeping on”.

I have a problem, well I have many problems but one is I have a problem of dedication and appreciation. I never learned to see how others appreciate who I am or how others are so willing to care for me. We identified this problem many years ago and decided that staying at New Vrindaban and sticking to college outreach despite all hardships would be good for me. Maybe I might learn something.

While growing up, nothing was regular, nothing was steady, and no one was committed to caring for me. I never felt that any thing was worth my time because it was going to change. I never felt anyone actually cared for me because in due course they would leave. I meet problems in my relationships again and again due to this.

I was homeless for awhile in high school and just roamed around from school, to work, and to friends homes on my bicycle. I stayed wherever I could. Usually most friend's parents were equally or more out of it than we were so I could just slide in and out unnoticed.

A few weeks into my senior year I was at our local park with friends and my residential situation became a topic of discussion. Various friends felt that they should figure this out for me. Many stepped up and invited me to stay at there home if their parents approved. One friend named Tara Zandler(who was actually not that close at the time) said she was going to ask her parents. The next day she enthusiastically approached me at school and said her parents were willing to meet me and if they liked me they would let me stay with them under certain rules etc.

I went to their home that same afternoon to meet and we spoke for some time. After our meeting they agreed to let me stay with them. I was amazed that someone would be so willing to reach out to do something like that, especially without even knowing me! I became one of the family, well kind of. There were many stories that went with that experience over the next year before I graduated and went off to college. If you want I can tell you later. The family themselves were unbelievable. They really acted as God’s caretakers of His lost child.

Now that I reflect, I see that from that time until now so many individuals who were not “related” to me in any way have been caring for and guiding me. Over the past years of my life in ISKCON I can honestly say that I am always cared for. I am maintained physically, emotionally, and spiritually by those within this family of Srila Prabhupada. Others are always willing to love, it is up to me to accept and appreciate their love.

One day I was selling books in St Louis Missouri and we met with HG Maha Muni Prabhu. He told us a realization he had. He quoted the move “Breakfast Club”. I appreciated his ability to connect a life lesson with a movie I watched so many times growing up. He asked if I remembered the scene where the “prom queen” and the “goth girl” were stoned and in the restroom brushing each others hair. The “goth girl” looked up at the “prom queen” and stated, “ I didn’t know you could be so nice!” The prom queen responded, “You never gave me an opportunity to be nice to you.”

With our college outreach we are just trying to share what we are receiving. We are attempting to facilitate the growth of an environment where students can allow us the to share our family’s love with them. We experience college outreach to be “creating a favorable environment where students can associate with that love of Srila Prabhupada.” I pray that we can be used to do that in the smallest way.

More Humble Than a Blade of Grass

Hare Krishna. These are two wonderful photos of His Grace Vaishesika Prabhu. He is inspiring the whole world with his unbounded enthusiasm. I am sure there are a few of you out there who will be glad to have them. I know I am always filled with joy upon seeing his loving face. I am also inspired to leave this computer and finish my rounds.

Midnight in a Perfect World.

Midnight? the year is just beginning.

Vegan Cooking Workshop #1 2008

Today was quite wonderful. I woke up and chanted japa with Sri Kishore Prabhu. JC came over for our first one on one yoga session of the year. I taught him pranayama and a moon series to add to his surya which he practiced last semester. Today we had lots of fun sustaining various asanas. This was new to him but I was comforted having someone to suffer with me. Yoga is definitely a love hate relationship.

After dropping him off at school I went on another prayer walk through campus. I sat for some time noticing the thousands of faces which I do not know. The thousands of souls who have not had a chance to hear about Krishna. I think this quarter I am going to start setting up a book table on campus. One week Ill do Wednesday and one week Ill do Thursdays. I miss book distribution!

After my walk I returned home and caught up on some email. Then I prepared an individual vegan pizza for lunch which made me fall a sleep for a good hour. After my slumber and a cold shower I headed out to town for some shopping. Its great going to the same store on the same days of the week year after year. I now know many of the employees at each store and have great conversations with each of them. Im trying to inspire all the high school grocery bag kids to start coming to our programs. They said they are into it but they have to ask their parents for permission.

I was planning to cook for only 60 people. On face book, only 30 confirmed so I didn't think it would turn out so great. I was wrong. I arrived at our location at 6:30 and already students started arriving to help out. Students just kept coming and coming. We prepared whole wheat pasta, sesame bread sticks, organic salad, dressings, pasta sauce, primavera vegetables, carob cake, and rasberry lemonande. There was so much help, that when i finally stepped up on my soap box for announcements it was exactly 8 pm! I couldn't believe it. We cooked the compete meal from scratch in one hour exactly! There were so many hands helping out.

Over a 100 students attended. I thought only 30-50 would come. It was our first one of the quarter and I didn't send any invites until the night before. No advertising. Simply Krishna. This is definitely a sign that this year is going to big huge. I have to brainstorm, how are we going to facilitate so many people in cooking?

By ten everything was cleaned up and I returned to the center to meet Ananda Vidya Prabhu. Krishna really blessed me by his association. Ananda Vidya Prabhu is my big borther. He has always watched out for me and encourages me in our activities.

The rest of the week looks busy. Please pray for us.

Today I slept in until 8:30am. It felt great! Someone even commented to me later in the day in a small yoga session that my eyes weren't red, my face didn't look tired and overall I looked well rested. As Doctor Bronner say's, "the only two cosmetics you need are; enough rest and Dr. Bronners Magical soap!"

Then I listened to a lecture of Maharaja and he chastised me. I tried to justify it by something he had told me some time ago, "if you ever have to drive somewhere more than an hour you need to sleep at least seven hours." My realization is that it is true good rest allows you to drive safely. But, even then you still get tired if you are not a Starbucks customer.

In that lecture Maharaja was asked about over endeavoring. He said over endeavoring is when you take on so much service that you can not perform the basic instructions of chanting 16 rounds, sleeping well, attending Mangala Arati and hearing Srimad Bhagavatam. Ouch he got me. I am over endeavoring.

I did a bit of yoga, packed my bags, sought blessings of the Vaishnavas, Srila Prabhupada and Sri Sri Radha Vrindaban Chandra then hit the road. I stopped to fill the ole 152,000 mile Honda Civic up with fuel and proceeded to drive the next 120 mile to Athens Ohio. I remember the good ole days when it used to cost 12 dollars to fill her up, now its $38.

Somehow I made it to Athens. Two things assist me in driving long distances and not falling asleep.

1. Frito Lay Brand Sunflower seeds.
Ever since I was a little boy I have been addicted to them. If any of you ever played little league baseball you may have the same taste. I am sorry for those who have never been introduced to the pleasure of eating salted sunflower seeds and having to crack them open, eat the seed and spit out the shell. Often some declare my stupidity for not simply buying preshelled sunflower seeds. You lose all the fun when you do that! Plus there is no activity to keep you awake.

2. Cell Phone with a headset. Whenever I get tired i just start calling everyone I need to. If It is late at night, I just call devotees on the west coast because of the three hours time difference. They can talk on and on with no disturbance if they are not at work. Today I spoke with a psychotherapist for an hour. They are great at listening so I could just talk and talk and talk!

When I arrived to Athens I immediately drove to a meeting at the United Campus Ministry center. There we discussed our Vegan Cooking Workshop using the space for the rest of the year. They were very supportive. I signed an agreement that we would pay $100 a month for access to the kitchen and dinning hall each Tuesday. I was given a key and left very happy. Having a steady and supportive place for one's outreach activities is a true blessing. I knew it would turn out positive because I found a parking meter with 2 hours of free parking when I arrived.

I went home to the Conscious Ohio Center to meet the great shock of the house being an amazing mess and my poor children were almost dead or dead(our house plants). Oh lord please bless them with eternal life.

Soon the other house mates arrived one by one and we finished up our cleaning. In the evening due to the most amazing weather I went for a prayer walk around campus. A prayer walk is a very powerful activity. I was introduced to it via my Christian backround. Its concept is you go to those places which you are to perform or act or serve etc and pray intensely. You pray to the Lord for whatever you may need. For those of us who do outreach. There is only one prayer, "Please Lord make me a servant of your peace."

Please do not underestimate the power of true prayer. If I appreciate one thing most about my parents and family is they taught me to humbly pray to the Lord. Thank you mom! the second thing is Bob Marley.

This quarter I'll try to blog about our outreach activities so you all will know whats up and you can se that we are not totally in as they say "maya".

If someone asks you how you are doing what do you say?

I usually just say,"I'm doing great!" and then say something off topic.

I have a friend who answers that question with "I'm doing magnificent". He really means it. Thats why I love him. He can always see the blessings which the Lord is giving him daily. In his association I am forced to think positively.

I need association with like minded peers or at least with young people! AHHHHHH! I'm not a cave dweller. I like my personal time but I also need my people time and project time. I need action, movement. I am just counting the days until school starts again and the other boys come back home surcharged from their India trip. When I have too much time alone I can't seem to get anything done.

I feel like running, swimming, riding my bike, walking around, hugging cows, watching the sun reflect off the snow. (Snowboarding by myself is out of the question). It is just so cold my room seems like such a safe place that promotes such rejuvenating activities like bundling up and sleeping. Sometimes if I am on the transcendental tip there is reading and chanting.

Yesterday many people wrote me or called asking if I was ok. I guess my last couple of posts led others to believe that I was depressed etc. Their right. I am thankful that they care.

I wrote one friend and said that when I am at New Vrindaban I feel like I am in a hospital and my particular diagnosis is poison in the blood. (It's easy to see when you are around so many pure souls). For that there is only one old fashion solution of bloodletting. Blood letting is great because it quickly allows you to get rid of all of your old blood and forces you to create new blood. So New Vrindaban is the safe place(my home) where I can be frustrated, tired, faithless etc to the extent of not offending the devotees. I can go through the whole range of emotions and feel them out and take shelter. Then I can head back to work and serve fresh and rejuvenated with new energy and realization.

These are certain points on the body good for blood letting.


The following pictures are where I take shelter each day in New Vrindaban.
1. Prayer at Sri Sri Radha Vrindabancandra's lotus feet

2. Japa in the Brahmacari Ashram's renegade Tulasi garden

3. Cleaning my heart in service to Srimati Radharani's pots

4. Friendship with Gopal our new calf

New Vrindaban's life size Srila Prabhupada murti!

I don't know if it is a secret, but New Vrindaban has been blessed with a life size, free standing Srila Prabhupada murti. One devotee was surprised to see the new addition. Then he laughed and said, "It is only appropriate, New Vrindaban needs two Prabhupadas."

somedays...

"In the beginning there may be some failures. That is quite natural. Just as a child is trying to stand, he may fall down. But that does not mean he should give up the idea. Go on. A time will come when he will be perfect. A time will come when you'll be perfect, Krsna Conscious." SP Los Angeles, January 1, 1969

Some days are just harder than others. Especially if I am sleep deprived and don't eat well. Its amazing because most of my problems sprout because of these two things. Today I was directed to dress the Sri Nathji Gopal. I cant believe how frustrated I was. I wanted to walk out of the deity room and walk through the snow and just keep walking and walking and walking. If the deity is stone then we can do what ever we want to it. We can decorate the stone in anyway just for show just for the darshan of the public. If the deity is a person, if He is Krishna then there is no faking anything. We have to serve Him as a person. We have to reciprocate with the person Krsna. Anyways, I was totally disturbed by the whole morning. I feel as if I don't even know what happened, I wasn't there. At least I wish I wasn't. Even when I ditched the kirtan and the Sb class for my asana practice I couldn't relax. My mind was just screaming at me. I was trying to pray and set an intention but I couldn't, my mind was just loudly saying 'get your bag walk and start walking because you've lost'. I haven't gone anywhere because stuffing my face with fresh pineapple, raw carrot cake, reading the above quote form Srila Prabhupada, and listening to Shimshai(http://www.shimshai.com) made me relax a bit.